Understanding BDSM: From Bondage to Sadomasochism
You may be scrolling the internet looking to explore the world of BDSM. But firstly, let’s discuss the theoretical.
Many people may want to explore the world of BDSM but not truly understand it, so let’s break it down from the basics to the complicated.
Wording:
BDSM: BDSM stands for: Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism.
Kink: Kink refers to non traditional or conventional sexual activity.
Fetish: Fetish refers to a sexual fixation on a certain object or act that is necessary for a person to achieve sexual gratification.
If you enjoy being told what to do, a power dynamic, that is BDSM.
If you enjoy some slap and tickle to your sex, that may be a Kink.
If you need foot fetish, spanking, etc to get off: That is a Fetish.
BDSM - How does it work?
B: The B stands for bondage. Bondage can be done with rope (Shibari rope bondage is a popular artistic style from Japan), chains, leather restraints, scarf bondage, metal handcuffs or bodybag/vacuum beds. Rope bondage can be relaxing, thrilling, arousing, and is an artistic expression. Bondage can be done for practical reasons, you want to be tied down unable to move, or for artistic reasons.
B and D: Put together this combination stands for Bondage and Discipline. Bondage is about physical limitations and Discipline is about mental limitations. Through rules, punishments, and humiliation.
D and S: This stands for Dominance and Submission. The power balance side of BDSM. Where one partner takes the Dominant or top position and the other the submissive or bottom. This can be a long term “collared” relationship with a contract or a scene at a party or in a booking. It can include rules for the submissive to follow or expectations for them to act in a certain way to the Dominant. Power exchange can be sexual, mental, physical, or emotional. A flow of energy between two people.
Sadomasochism: Sadism is enjoying inflicting pain on others. Masochism is enjoying pain being inflicted on you. (Put simply)
Some people fall on both sides of the “switch” and can be Dominant and submissive in different situations and play scenes.
What is kink?
Kink refers to unconventional sexual practices, fantasies, or preferences. Kink is pleasurable activities that people choose to do together.
When you need this kink to get off sexually, when it arouses you, that’s what makes it a kink.
It may be a penchant for rough sex, choking, spanking, be degraded or tied up.
Kinks are as unique as the people who have them.
What is a fetish?
Fetishes are defined as “an inanimate object or non sexual part of the odyssey that arouses sexual desire.” Put simply, if you have something you love to do, give you enjoyment, is a fixation for you, but does not arouse you, it is a fetish. It can be sexual to you, but it doesn’t have to be.
A fetish can be a love of feet, a penchant for rubber/latex, a desire to have your balls trampled or to be dressed up as the other gender.
Truly anything can be a fetish.
Many clients come to be trying to work out why they have a fetish or find this kinky act pleasurable. Sure sometimes our fixations or desires stem from something in childhood, a way to reclaim trauma, or from a memory that has stuck with you.
But sometimes it is just something you enjoy, your body enjoys. You don’t need to figure it out to enjoy it.
But how do you do it safely?
The most important part about exploring the world of BDSM is a few simple steps:
— Know what you want - do your research:
When booking a session with a Domme/Fetish provider know what kind of experience you want. It’s okay to be new and not know exactly what you like but having an idea of what you would like to try helps us to curate an experience for you.
Saying you just want to “try BDSM” is very unhelpful for the provider, as you can see what is within that definition is a million different things. Even if stating you want to try say age play, there are different ways to do that. Your version may not be the version the worker first thinks of.
— Explore your boundaries:
Knowing your boundaries and limits helps you to stay safe when exploring Kink and helps the Domme also. This can be something as simple as “I don’t like sharps play” or “I don’t like my nipples played with” to something more specific like you only enjoy certain words used during Humilation play. Sometimes you learn your boundaries during a session by trying something and realising, hmm I don’t think that’s for me, and that’s totally fine!
Coming to a worker stating you “have no limits” just tells you are uneducated and possibly dangerous. Having limits and boundaries is not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you a bad submissive. Quite the opposite in fact.
— Safe Words:
When playing I like to use the traffic light system which is:
Green: Yes
Yellow (Some people do orange or amber): I need a break, my leg cramped, I don’t like that
Red: NO STOP NOW
Some people may use just one word, or Mercy, a their safe word. Some people may want to play with no safe words, in a relationship dynamic sure. But within a session safe words are best to be used for your safety and so the provider also knows your limits.
Some of the safety models you can work under are SSC (Safe sane and consensual) or RACK (Risk aware consensual kink). Those who follow the SSC model emphasis safety, sticking to what you have discussed as “safe” activities. RACK follows the idea that the word safe can be problematic, all kink is risky, thus it is up to those within the scene to determine their risk profile and their comfort playing within that risk. RACK also means you can change up what the agreed on activities are during a scene.
Consent is always crucial. Your safe word can just be stop, no. Some people may want to play within the realms of consensual non consent where no means yes just this once and safe words allow you to muddy the waters.
During a session even if we have discussed safe words I will still check in, is this okay, are you enjoying this, do you want to change something or stop? Your safety is my first priority. It is also the responsibility of the Dominant to sometimes call a scene even if the submissive does not wish to, maybe because they have given in to the endorphin high of subspace. Within that space maybe you want to go further with impact play leading to deep bruises that may take two weeks to heal, but during the initial session discussion you said you can’t have bruises because of discretion at home.
In that instance it’s my job to say, hey I think we need to move on to something else or stop the scene.
— Aftercare:
Aftercare can look like different things for different people. It may be a cuddle or touch after an intense scene, or having a chat about what we just did. It may be having some water or a snack and taking a minute to decompress. Some people may not want aftercare at all. It isn’t compulsory but is recommended to help you come down from the rush of a scene.
When starting a booking I ask you a few questions:
— What are the 3-5 things you wish to focus on in our time?
I may also ask what have you done before, did you enjoy those acts? How do you want to feel at the end of a session?
— What are your boundaries?
Do you have any limits, any no no’s? This is also where I may explain the traffic light system.
— Do you have any health conditions?
I ask this as all Kink has risk. If you have a dodgy knee but want to be tied up or on all fours, I need to know how long you can stay like that without pain. If you are on medication like blood thinners, have taken any drugs or viagra or amyl, have you eaten that day? Do you suffer from seizures or fainting spells?
All of this information is important for me to understand how we can play safely.
A few important tidbits to keep in mind:
What you put into a booking is what you get out, especially when it comes to BDSM. Its okay to be new, to really have no idea what you like but want to try something different, to still be learning your boundaries and want to put the power into someone else’s hands and go on the journey to figuring it out.
But you do still need to be an active participant. State whether you like something that is being done to you. Don’t just ‘starfish’ it.
Sex workers are usually very intuitive people but we cannot read your mind. If you come into a session and say “yeah I like everything I have no limits do whatever you want” is great but that may mean to me, ok cool so sounding and cock and ball torture and ball kicking?
And you may mean just some pegging or foot fetish.
Use your words, be active in your session, provide the worker with all the information you can and enjoy having an excellent time!
And it’s okay if you go into a session wanting to try something but it ends up not being for you. On the other side of this, you also need to temper your expectations. Real life is not porn.
Sometimes, our bodies just don’t like things in reality or on that day or the vibe is off. And that’s okay! We can change it up, adapt.
With communication everything is possible.
Want to explore a kink session with me? Make a booking now via my contact form to go on this journey with me.
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